Yesterday, my very dear Friend Poonam visited us at home and she brought along so much of unbridled joy by just being herself. Poonam is full of positivity and good will always sharing her love everywhere as she, like santa clause, offers precious little gifts for those she visits. She basks in the warmth of the love that is being reciprocated and she relishes every moment of it through her vibrant enthusiasm and desire to give really tight hugs, taste the food being cooked, flopping on the sofa, laughing wildly and generally being the "Raunak", joy, radiance and excitement of her environment.
Later in the day, I accompanied her to visit another special friend of hers (she has many 'special' friends!) And that turned out to be unexpectedly life changing for me.
Her friend lives on the 17th floor in a 19 floor 'sky scraper' in Ghaziabad (Delhi's neighbouring state). I loved her home. It was beautiful and tastefully decorated. She lives alone by choice. I gasped when I entered her home, because instantly I was taken back to my own years of single living and my idea of an 'ideal' home for myself. And this was as close as I could get to that memory. I suddenly felt myself in a 'time warp' and experienced a tinge of regret that I had harbored all these years of having to give up my independence. I am re-married now and have been so for the last ten years but somewhere there seemed to still a linger a desire to go back to the so-called 'free spirit'. I never dwelled much on it before, but this wonderful lady's home brought out an unexpressed wish and desire that I kept pushing away in the past right into the light of my consciousness. And suddenly, I snapped out of it! I came to a huge realization! I think my whole facial expression changed because later Poonam mentioned that I looked like I went into a trance for about 10 minutes!!
OMG! in that moment in time, I realized I would never, never, change what I have now for something of my past. Yes, I would be open for new beginning and changes in the future whatever they may be, but the past is over and done with. I felt such a rush of gratitude for my husband, my life, my home, all the joys of living I was experiencing each day alongwith occasional frustrations and irritations for situations brought on by myself totally. I suddenly felt light and free. Why was I carrying such a burden all this while? I answered myself: simply because I could not see the expansiveness of this moment. And as I walked over to her balcony and looked down the 17 floors, everyone looked so tiny and so far away on the ground. I kept looking down for quite a while till suddenly I heard Poonam asking from a few steps away from the balcony "what happened to your vertigo?" Another healing moment! I then realised why Poonam was not standing near me and enjoying the view - she has a 'vertigo' problem just as I used to have!
I gasped again!! Another 'OMG'! left my lips - 'OMG! I am no longer afraid to look down from heights!! Whereas my legs would just quiver and shake with so much fear in the past, there I was standing firmly rooted on the floor enjoying the view - up, down and all around!! In my heart I felt, I just did a huge piece of releasing of past fears! The two awakening moments just blended into each other seamlessly. I was no longer afraid to look at my past without regret. I did'nt have to try to not be regretful. I just kind of gradually came to that moment through the continuous inner work that is ongoing. What a gift! It came to me wrapped and unexpected and I accepted with curiosity not knowing that, that visit would change my life! OMG!! Plus I made a new friend!
I went back home and expressed my gratitude lavishly to my husband in the presence of Poonam and later privately as well. I could see how much Pankaj appreciated that and then he responded in his mischievous and typically 'wise' way "We all need somebody, not just to love, but to fight with as well! We need to know we are still alive"! Ahem! that makes perfect sense to me in a very earthly way! :))
Lately, I discovered in my heart that my Present Moments are "Pre-Sent" moments - moments sent to me by my Soul to truly live out my inner creations and see the gifts in each experience and release all that 'spoils' the gift that is being offered to me. What could be more freeing??!!
Now that, according to my new understanding, is being a "Free Spirit"! As Meister Eckhart says, "If the only prayer you say in your life is 'Thank You', that would suffice". I agree.
Thank you! Aum.
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